Wednesday, March 11, 2009

You're not "computer illiterate," you're STUPID.

I can understand what it means to be computer illiterate. There is an entire generation that simply does not understand how to interface with computers, and that's acceptable. But once you understand the basics, like clicking buttons with your mouse, and typing in things with your keyboard where the cursor is, there is no excuse for some things.

Like when I say, "Click there, and you're going to want to run the software."
And you say, "I clicked, and it says run/download. What do I do?"
And I sigh, and say, "Run. You want to run the software."
Then, you say, "Ok, it's asking me if I want to run it again. What do I click?"
To which I reply, "Kill yourself."

This has nothing to do with your level of computer literacy. There is a point at which you should be declared unable to process simple instructions, and turned into fertilizer.

How about this: You and I sit down in a white room with a table and two chairs. I sit on one side of the table, you sit on the other. There are two cards on the table, one red, one blue. I say to you;
I'm going to give you some instructions, and I want you to follow them. Your instructions are as follows; 'Choose blue.' That is the end of the instructions. I will now ask you two questions.
Then I will pick up the two cards in either hand, hold them up between us, and say; "Which one do you pick?" Your answer will be recorded. Answering "blue" will result in a passing grade. Answering "red" will result in a failing grade. Failure to answer within 5 seconds will result in a failing grade. Asking for help will result in a failing grade. Confusion about the question or the process will result in a failing grade. I will then put the cards down, wait 5 seconds, pick them back up in the opposite hands, and ask the same question again, "Which one do you pick?" Your second, and final answer will be recorded.

A score of 100% will allow you to leave the room, and return to the life you lead.

A score of 50% will get you locked in another white room with a toaster, a knife, and two pieces of bread. Upon use, the toaster is set to jam, and the toast will burn. Surviving this situation for longer than three minutes will result in you being allowed to leave the room, and return to the life you lead.

A score of 0% will get you locked in another white room with nothing more than a plastic bag grocery with the suffocation warning removed. There, nature will take its course.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I've got to find some way to bury a link to this post in my company's web site. After the instructions she'd probably say something like "How do I choose?" The only problem is the bag without the warning is still too complicated for the ceo. Can we maybe make it a bag filled with rabid wolverines and, and some very poisonous snakes or something?