Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Ancient Chinese butt-kissing

After indulging in some Chinese cuisine for lunch, I opened my fortune cookie only to discover that the very characteristic which earns it its namesake was woefully lacking.

Instead of a small slip of (delicious) paper indicating that in the future I may find myself overcome with riches, or perhaps that hard times will soon pass, I found the following;

You are sociable and entertaining.

Wow. Way to hit the nail on the head. You are one smart cookie! (no pun intended) But I couldn't help but notice that the previous statement is no more a fortune than me yelling "You suck!" a the nearest passer-by.

If I were more cynical, I'd be disgusted that people these days can't even handle some straight talk from a dessert, without running to their lawyer yelling "The cookie hurt my feelings!" The fact that people are content gaining a feeling of self-satisfaction because a cookie says that they rock, seems to indicate to me that we, as a people, may be better benefited by some desserts that don't mince words.

Fortunes that motivate people to be less sensitive about their ego are the way to go. Fortunes like, "You're too lazy." or "What have you accomplished with your life?" would take larger strides toward a more unflappable public. Please enjoy a few more of my proposed fortunes...

  • You're not that funny.
  • I'm not impressed.
  • When did you get so important?
  • You could die tomorrow.
  • What's your legacy?
  • Where's YOUR contribution to society?
  • Respect yourself.
  • Get some confidence in yourself.
  • Be comfortable with who you are.
  • Know yourself. All else will follow.
  • Stand up straight, and walk tall.
  • Don't be an ass.
  • Learn from your mistakes.
  • A little humility goes a long way.
  • This month do something you've always wanted to.
  • Get your hands dirty.
  • Change your own ****ing oil!

Wouldn't you rather see one of those ass-kicking motivational fortunes taped to your whiny coworker's monitor instead of "You are a unique snowflake" or "You are made of rainbows and unicorn farts"?

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