Monday, December 13, 2004

Haunted chopsticks

A bit ago, I'd heard some chatter about "Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay". Very positive (professional) reviews from sources who are not usually COMPLETE WHORES Breathe, man... breathe... for the Video Game industry. So we bought it and Jet Set Radio Future (both used) from our local Game Stop. I don't play many console games (I got my first non-gameboy console about a year ago, and played Halo, NFS Underground, and Agressive Inline. Pretty good games. I'd already played Halo on PC, but I still enjoy the challenge on Xbox. Escape from Butcher Bay is Awesome. I couldn't put it down. (played for 6pm to 6am) What? sometimes that gamer blood pumps through my veins more ferociously, it can't be helped! The gameplay was fun, the fist fighting was a lot of fun! It kind of felt like I was playing a very sexy-looking splinter cell at times. The graphics are excellent, I've since read that many hold this game as the best looking Xbox game (even over halo 2). Vin Diesel looks like Vin Diesel. NO SHIT. It's unbelieveable. They used his voice, and when the first cutscenes started I thought I was watching live-action! The ambient elements of the game are outstanding, the attention to detail really makes you feel like you've been thrown into the worst "slam" in the universe. I was VERY impressed.

Purchasing the game prompted me to begin reading some reviews kinda back-asswards right?

This brings me to some of the reasons I dislike reading game reviews...

Everybody's a fucking expert
"Well, IMHO, this game was the worst game ever made! I heard they were using the [technical term] shading engine, and I just knew that once the story development went to [some company] that it was going to be bad. That coupled with the drop in [game company] stock of -23/152, and I just KNEW it was going to suck!"
Seriously guys. Do you think you're fooling anyone? Get a life, and try to devote 1/16 of the effort you put into video games into learning something new!

Bitching about gameplay time
[whine]"Oh my gawd! I couldn't believe the game was only 1541 hours long! I was like, 'why did I EVEN shell out the $2.99 to rent it a blockbuster ANYWAY?!'"[/whine]
Since when did gameplay time become such a huge fucking deal?! If the game wasn't under 2000 hours it's instantly crap to them! Just because you don't have anything better to do with your life doesn't mean that game designers have to accomidate you!

The one guy who doesn't even know what he thinks!
"This game was really bad except for the good parts, I was ready to gouge my eyes out from listening to the dialogue and the fist fighting was awesome, I've never seen a game pull off good melee fighting, and the gameplay just wore on and on and the cutscenes were amazing!"
How is this helpful? GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER BEFORE YOU EMBARRASS YOURSELF ON THE INTERNET! (you wouldn't be the first though!)

Weapon selection
"I was playing 'realistic fighter XXXIVIIIF' and I was SOOOOOO disappointed at the limited number of weapons! They had a pistol, automatic rifle, shotgun, melee weapon, and grenades!!!! I couldn't believe it! I mean it just shows a lack of creativity when you can't come up with new weapons! I'll come up with some now... Rabbit launcher, Termite missile, Haunted chopsticks, Keyboard/Sword/Gun/Whistle... Was that so hard?! If I can't fight as a Marine in Korea without a pair of Haunted Chopsticks, how am I supposed to enjoy myself?!?!!?!?!/1/!/1/1/1/!!!?!!?!?/"
God, just because the developers didn't want to include some dumbshit idea for some idiotic weapon doesn't mean that they suck, or lack creativity, or eat babies, or any of that. If they made the game one way isn't because they wanted it that way! Period. (<-Period)

Ok, lets wrap this up... STFU!... Ok... Now, when you've played so many games that you become so pointlessly cynical and desperately eager to tear down any game that more than 5% of players enjoyed, it's time to quit video games, and start some other hobby. Like reading, or hitting yourself in the head with a tac hammer.

After being throughly annoyed by these strange self-hating humans, I will disregard everything they said, and continue playing with fresh eyes. AND enjoy the experience. Plus I plan to play it on the increasing levels of difficuilty, because what's life without challenges? Ummm... death??? what kind of statement was that?


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