Overheard on support call

Me: Browse to xyz.omg.com
Fucktard: Not working.
Me: Ecks-why-zee-dot-oh-emm-gee-dot-com
Fucktard: Yeah, it's not working. It did a MSN search for it.
Me: Hmm... Can you read it back to me?
Fucktard: Ecks-why-zee-dot-oh-emm-gee-dot-com
Me: Do you have internet access?
Fucktard: Yep... Here's yahoo...
Me: Ok, can you erase it and try again?
Fucktard: Sure... Nope. It says "Could not find www.xyz.omg.com
Me: Oh. You don't need the www.
Fucktard: Oh well you didn't say not to put that!
I didn't say not to put "imagrownmanandamcompletelyuselessatmyjob" in the url field either!
Me: ... Ok, so once at that page you'll see some instructions
Fucktard: You're not going to make me read those, are you?
Me: ... er... yes.
Fucktard: Ok... ok, I read them.
Me: ...
Fucktard: Now what?
Me: The instructions say to click the download at the bottom.
Fucktard: Oh yeah, ok... Do I run it?
Me: The instructions say to run it.
Fucktard: Ok... Now what?
Me: The instructions say what to do next.
Fucktard: Ok... Ok, what do I put in the box?
Me: The instructions say what to put in the box.
Fucktard: Can't you just tell me?
Me: Really, it's easier for you to read and see it to prevent typos.
Fucktard: well... uh, I can't read it. What do I put in the box?
Me: You can't read it?
Fucktard: Yeah, the file download box is in front of it, and I can't move it.
Me: (thinkingthinkingthinking, ah!) If you hover your mouse over the window, and scroll, it will scroll out from behind the file download window.
Fucktard: Huh?... oh... well, ok. Now what?
Me: Did you click "OK"?
Fucktard: No. Hang on.
Me: *quietly* The instructions say to click ok.

LATER

Me: I'm still not seeing the connection coming through. Let me try one more thing, can you got back to that website so I can get remotely connected?
Fucktard: Uh, yeah, but I turned it off, so I'll just turn it back on, and call you back when it's on.
Me: Actually, I just need remote access so if you just go to the site and follow the instructions, I'll be able to fix it without the call.
Fucktard: What instructions?
Me: D:
Fucktard: Hello?
Me: Yeah, you just call me back.

I hate being on call...

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, he's about to go on a vacation with the president of the company, so it is VERY important that he be working... VERY IMPORTANT...