Thursday, October 13, 2005

The logic of leaf blowers.

Leafblowers are the greatest stupid invention of man-kind.

Trees shed their leaves, and leave them on your lawn

Possible Solutions:
1. Pick them up
2. Gather them into a pile
3. Move them over 30 feet, immediately exonerating your of their ownership.

Best invention ever.

You can just see the informercial...
Blonde airhead with big tits: Bob, I'm tired of having to deal with leaves!
Dumbass 45 year old virgin with wig: Me too Doubledee, that's why I use the Leafblower 3000ZXarrrrgh!!!!11 Why actually deal with your problems when you can just move them enough that you won't have to worry about them?!?!?!?
Blonde: Did you say *blow*??? *wink* Cue laugh track

This amazing ability to absolve yourself of the responsability of your garbage by simply moving it farther from you must be harnessed to be used on other even more useful (yes, I know) applications!

Tired of taking out the trash? Kick over the can, and blow your trash out your door and into the street! Immediately relieving yourself of its ownership!
Hate to clean out that litterbox? dump it in the gutter! Hey, why walk the extra three feet? Dump it on the sidewalk! It's city property!
Kids, hate eating your peas? Chuck them off of your plate! Once they're off, they're not your problem! Daddy can't argue with the logic!
Trying to get rid of the recently deceased? Toss him over the hedges! He's the Jones' problem now!
Relatives got ya down? Move them to Florida!
Teenagers acting up? Leave them at the bus station!

Even better... We could just focus on the multiple uses the gas leafblower has in everyday life!
Use it for "Handling" paperwork at the office!
Crank it up to drown out the sound of those attempting to initiate annoying conversations!
Boss bothering you? Just keep blowing it in his face! Eventually he'll get tired and leave!
Neighbor cutting wood in his driveway and getting sawdust all over yours? Bludgeon him into submission!!! (Bludgeon is such a fun word and I so rarely get to use it!)
Load the tube with confetti for birthday and new year parties!
Ladies, does your hair take a long time to dry? Not anymore!
Feeling depressed? Hop in the car, roll up the windows, fire it up, and breathe deep! That's the smell of utility!

Yes the leaf blower has so many uses when you just apply a bit of creativity!
Next week we consider: the common molotov cocktail! STAY TUNED!

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