Thursday, June 09, 2005

Forgiveness Please

Sorry for the lack of updates. That's it.

I suppose you think you deserve an update... Well... whatever.

Ok, so I wound up getting an iPod for my girlfriend. She enjoyed it so much I wound up getting one of my own. I'm listening to it right now, but yeah I forgot what I was going to say.
I'm just a little preoccupied with work recently. RECENTLY?! Ok, so work's great, but it's just really taking a lot out of me. (Like this web log) Most recently, I've been stressing this report/project thing for the past four days. Yeah, about 5 hours a day on average Which, coupled with the urgency associated with it for some reason They wanted us to hurry up, and then took forever sending the check... a week and a half later they're all about hurrying up! go fig. Oh, yeah, and they're doing some kind of monkey business to keep me from getting a solid bead on their network. I'm convinced they're screwing with me. What's worse, is that the lead engineer, and the CTO are just letting it slide. What the fuck ever happened to integrity??? When I told the CTO about the initial bit of strangeness, and what I suspected was happening (they were trying to get a gold star on their security test by cheating)

He was really upset by it, and was not going to sign his name on an incomplete report. So then, more wierdness happens, and I just kind of blow it off, THEN even MORE unexplainable crap starts happening, and when I send the e-mail saying that I'm almost sure they're fucking around on this report to get a better score, noone give a shit. "eh, well, it really needs to be done by tomorrow... But it would be incomplete then. Well... it really needs to be done by tomorrow...

I mean, I'm not really a dick, but that's fucked. And on TOP of that, the engineer that's going to be presenting the report, wants a day or two to change the format that is (agreeably) old, to something more user-friendly. Cool! But then she gets on my tits about turning it in "late" I really needed more time to reformat it, because the director of IT isn't going to understand what you gave me. If I was to give it to you in another format, I missed the e-mail. Well I know it's the same format that has always been used, but I just wanted to change it all around. I just rescheduled the meeting for Monday. That's fine. I understand. But when it gets down to the wire, and the customer (or one of their IT staff) is fucking up the results, you have to make the decision between complete, or now. And for all we know, the IT guy is fucking us up, so he can make us look bad. not that turning in an incomplete report doesn't make us look bad all by itself...

And what really gets me, is that the customer won't even know it's incomplete! They'll glance at it, and toss it into the pile of SEC filings! And what gets me EVEN MORE, is that the head engineer, and the CTO know this, and they're getting away with the incomplete report because they want it on Friday. I'm the only one saying "yeah, I COULD send it over, but it would be incomplete!" "Yeah... well... friday..." Well excuse me for taking some pride in my work damnit. I'm the only one upset by the fact that the customer isn't getting what they're paying for. Oh, by the way the customer doesn't even WANT it, they HAVE to do it because they're a publicly traded company!

So, to recap, the customer HAS to get a security audit done, they contract us to do it, they don't pay us for a week and a half, they demand we hurry after we finally get the check, they procede to disturb my ability to do the work we were contracted for, they want the report ASAP, I keep seeing wierd shit, so I have to backtrack, and do things over, I share this fact with everyone concerned, and they reply with a resounding; "Well... just finish it up, the customer is clapping his hands impatiently!" Way to go guys. Show some fucking backbone. At least pretend not to roll over so easily. It's not like we don't make bank. What's another 5 grand if we earned it by cutting corners and letting our customer tamper with the results and let them get away with it.

I can understand wanting to make the customer happy, but letting the customer dictate what happens when, how, and why is not (in my experience) our company style. ESPECIALLY when the the customer is paying for it against their will.


I'm just really starting to feel work catching up with me. Physically I mean. There aren't many mental things that can make me physically ill, because there are very few things that I take so seriously. But, like it or not, it seems work has become one of those things. Greaaaaaaat...

I guess there's two ways you can take work... You can either keep work and not-work completely seperate, in mind and practice, or you can mesh the two together, and hope the reaction of the two doesn't tie your intestines into a sheep's shank knot. it's not pretty... I guess you could call me idealistic, but I actually believe in "riding the brand". It's so rare that you find a company that you'd even be willing to put 75% of yourself into, that if you do, I figgure go for it. Everyone wants to belong to something bigger than themselves (it's what religion is about). Maybe business is religion to some people.

The only problem, is that lately, the brand has been riding you. You've got hoof-prints up your back, but you're still trying not to wince. maybe I'm not doing things the way I should be. Well, this is just an isolated incident. is it? is it possible you've been so blinded by your devotion the brand, that things have been getting worse and you haven't even noticed? if I haven't noticed, then how am I supposed to answer that? do you feel you're being taken advantage of? what's your real value to the company? i think this is the hole people find themselves in when they overthink things. I don't want to be in that hole. Were they overthinking things or just seeing clearly? there's no way to know that because you leave the company and either made a huge mistake or made the best most you could have. There's no way of knowing after it's done. Fair enough, continue to bust your but for a company that doesn't pay you what you're worth

better to make less working for a company you like with people you can believe in, than making more working at a job you hate with people you hate. is it? is work your life? I don't know. do you want it to be? I'm not sure. I don't think so. then why let work get to you when it can be vestigial to your life's experiences? i think it would be hard to not let work get to you at all, it takes up so much of your life, how could it not? it's been done. rethink your allegance. dont forget that at the end of the day, you are the one living your life. yeah, but at the end of the day, I also have to look at myself in the mirror. there's no shame is being selfish. and your friends and coworkers would WANT you to go some place better. it's not really so selfish if others would want the same for you. If I think bob is a nice guy and I wish him success, and he screws over jim to obtain success, am I happy for him? but you're not screwing over anyone.
youre just trying to be happy be happy by letting down my friends/coworkers? don't be so dramatic they want what's best for you. if what's best for you lies elsewhere, they'd be remiss to keep you from your opportunity.

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