Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Who's a sad panda who got shot during armed robbery?

Elderly internet surfer shoots armed robbers.

I love these stories. Good guys, bad guys, no moral ambiguity, or perpetrator apology. It's the kind of story you can't get from Hollywood.

Two guys wearing masks busted into an internet cafe in Florida, and demanded money from the registers and patrons. "But who would rob an internet cafe?" The imaginary liberal immediately responds. The threat of someone doing something is not lessened by your confusion at their actions.

The article, which is... strange... goes into some detail and actually has some quotes from the robbers-turned-victims.
Dawkins had a superficial wound in his left arm, but Henderson was shot in two places: his left buttock and his right hip.
They're lucky they didn't get hit anywhere vital or with anything bigger or faster than a 380 mousegun.
"I feel horrible. It doesn't feel good. It makes you think about life's decisions, and how you should live your life," Henderson said in an interview with the Star-Banner at the jail on Saturday afternoon.
Wow. That's really great to hear, I'm glad he survived to have that thought, but this revelation would have better served them both BEFORE they robbed a place at gunpoint.
Hours after his release from the hospital, Henderson, who talked about the pain he feels in his buttock and hip, said the plan was to "barge in, get the money and leave." He said "he [sic] never expected anyone to be armed."

"The gun was broken and rusty and wasn't loaded. Nobody was going to get hurt," he said, standing with crutches.
Well that makes you a pretty shitty robber. First, you bring a gun, which adds years to your charges, then you pick a gun that is dangerous to use, THEN you leave it unloaded!

Congratulations, you picked all of the risk and NONE of the benefit!

I guess it should have been ok because "Nobody was going to get hurt."
Retrieving the customers' phones was what he said was their "main priority." That way, he said, the customers could not call law enforcement officials.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Can't have the people in the cafe calling the cops! That'd ruin the whole ruse, you know, the one where you show up with an unloaded gun, and you're all like, "Alright guys, so you're getting 'robbed' *wink wink* with this 'loaded gun' *nudge nudge* anyway, y'all be chill and I'll be out of your hair ASAP."
Henderson theorizes the reason why he was caught off guard is because, when Dawkins entered the business, he busted a computer monitor with the baseball bat and "glass got into his face."

"He couldn't warn me," Henderson said.
Are...? Are you going for the sympathy? I mean, I know you're not, but pointing out how circumstances didn't go in your favor during your ARMED ROBBERY is an interesting tactic. Please, do continue...
Henderson noticed two women were behind the counter and he thought that was "fishy." Turning around to see what the women were doing, Henderson said he was shot.
Yup, there he was, minding his own business, just doing a routine armed robbery when these counter ladies started acting suspicious, and then someone shot me in the back!
"I turned around to run and my leg gave out. That was when I got shot. I hit the ground, and he was still shooting. I thought I was going to die," Henderson said.
Holy crap! You thought you were going to die? That's horrible! How would you rank the fear as compared to you sitting in an internet cafe, when two guys with masks come in and point a gun in your face? More or less? Better or worse? One or two? A or B? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?
Henderson said he and Dawkins drove to a house to see a woman he said "is like a second mother" to him.
Well that's great, I sounds like she's had a very positive impact on your life. I mean, some people wouldn't want to let down their mother, but you let down BOTH your mothers! Malt liquor all around!
"I couldn't breathe. I had lost so much blood. I don't know what she did, but she revived me," he said, likening the experience to coming back from the dead.
Whew! Your thrilling tale of ARMED ROBBERY had me on the edge of my seat! I sure am glad you pulled through! What an amazing experience it must have been.
Officials said Dawkins previously had worked for the cafe but had been fired.
Oh, so THAT'S why you rob an internet cafe!
Because Dawkins used to work at the cafe, Henderson said Dawkins told him there was "a lot of money there." Both of them, he said, gathered the gun and bat for the robbery attempt.
A lot of money? Honestly, how much? Enough to get dead over? Enough to risk an armed robbery charge? How much is that?
Their actions frightened the customers at the Internet cafe.
Wow. Artfully noted, Austin Miller, Staff Writer for I'm glad you took time out of your busy schedule playing with blocks and coloring inside the lines to write this article. Now all the other weirdness in this article makes sense.

Lets hear from a pair of would-be-victims.
The robber with the bat smashed one of the computers, the couple said. Then the robbers ordered everybody to get down on the ground and take out their wallets and whatever valuables they had.
Whoa, I think they skipped the part where the Dawkins said, "Hey guys, this is a robbery, but don't worry, this gun isn't loaded, and we're not going to hurt anyone." Telling it like that just makes it sound like a boring regular old armed robbery.
Though Henderson said he doesn't blame Williams for shooting, he takes exception with Williams shooting at him while he was down.

"I was down, and I'm not going to continue to shoot you," he said.
Oh! Did the bad man shoot you wrong during your attempted armed robbery? Lets see what I can do about that...

There we go!

It's the world's smallest violin, playing the world's saddest tune, just for you.


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