Obama FINALLY talks gun control

... and it feels sooo gooood.

Mediaite Video: Obama Talks Gun Control: ‘AK-47s Belong In The Hands Of Soldiers, Not In The Hands Of Criminals’

ZOMG OBAMA WILL BAN TEH AK-47S!!!111ONE

Not so much.

Here's the gun-related quote at the end of the video (starting at 4:07). Everything before that is mealymouthed political ass covering.

I, like most Americans, believe that the second amendment guarantees an individual the right to bear arms. 'K? We recognize the traditions of gun ownership passed on from generation to generation. That hunting and shooting are part of a- a-a-a-cherished national heritage, but I also believe that a lot of gun owners would agree that AK-47s belong in the hands of soldiers not in the hands of criminals, that they belong on the battlefield of war not on the streets of our cities.

I believe the majority of gun owners would agree that we should do everything possible to prevent criminals and fugitives from purchasing weapons. That we should check someone's criminal record before they can check out a gun seller. That a mentally unbalanced individual should not be able to get his hands on guns so easily. These steps shouldn't be controversial, they should be common sense. So I'm going to continue to work with members of both parties, and with religious groups, and with civic organizations to arrive at a consensus around violence reduction. Not just-- uh-- of-- gun violence but violence at every level at every step looking at everything we can do to reduce violence and keep our children safe, from improving mental health services for troubled youth, to instituting more effective community policing strategies, we should leave no stone unturned and recognize that we have no greater mission, as a country, than keeping our young people safe.

Looks pretty meaty right? Not as meaty as you'd think. Lets give this a good hard fisking.

I, like most Americans, believe that the second amendment guarantees an individual the right to bear arms.

Woo! Finally! Something we can agree on! Hold on to that feeling, because it's the only one you're going to get.

'K?

Boy, he his REALLY obvious with his verbal tics. It's like clockwork. Make him say something he doesn't believe, and he starts stuttering like a liberal trying to explain where the power for his electric car comes from.

We recognize the traditions of gun ownership passed on from generation to generation.

"See? I totally understand why you want guns! It's because you cousin humpin' rednecks had a 'pappy' who shot a 'varmit' on his farm!"

That hunting and shooting are part of a- a-a-a-cherished national heritage,

Wow. Can't even get believe that hunting and shooting are part of our heritage? Or was it the "cherished" part that threw you?

but I also believe that a lot of gun owners would agree

Off to a bad start.

that AK-47s belong in the hands of soldiers not in the hands of criminals,

Good qualifier! "Should guns be in the hands of A:Soldiers or B:Criminals? Please select one." Why are you trying so hard not to make a simple declarative statement? Why are you still pulling your punches? Don't tell me-- No-- It can't be-- You can't even attack guns directly RIGHT AFTER a national tragedy including guns? Boy that must eat y-y-y-you up inside. I recognize the tradition of dancing in the blood of innocents that liberals have passed on from generation to generation. Is nothing sacred anymore?

I think most of us can agree that they belong on the battlefield of war not on the streets of our cities.

WOW! Can't even say "AK-47s belong on a battlefield." At least the qualifier got a little weaker. What legal use of AK-47s would put them "on the streets of our cities?" Well, I can think of at least one. I sure would have preferred to see those Koreans protecting their stores with big, scary AK-47s with giant banana split clips (the split ones are even more deadly) instead of grandpa's duck gun.

I believe the majority of gun owners would agree that we should do everything possible to prevent criminals and fugitives from purchasing weapons.

BZZZZZ! WRONG! I don't think you can get anyone to agree to do "everything possible" to do ANYTHING. I think we can all agree that we should to everything possible to prevent cancer. Including sealing every American in a bubble, and feeding them intravenously so never have to encounter any dangerous carcinogens. I think we can all agree that we should do everything possible to stop smoking. Including shooting everyone in the head who buys a pack of smokes. I think we can all agree that we should do everything possible to save the planet. Including forced living in a pre-agriculture society in caves.

That we should check someone's criminal record before they can check out a gun seller.

So it would be illegal to look at guns if you have a criminal record? Is that like pre-crime? What about drawing guns, or imagining guns? Is that illegal too? Where does the bureau of thought police fit into all this?

That a mentally unbalanced individual should not be able to get his hands on guns so easily.

Well you're obviously not referring to the process in place that already checks for mental health issues, so perhaps you're thinking more of a psychological evaluation when purchasing a gun?
"What does this inkblot look like to you?"
"Uhh... A butterfly?"
"Did you say 'a butterfly' or 'bloodied children fleeing the scene of the mass shooting I am planning on executing with the gun I'm buying'?"
"Uh... The first one."

These steps shouldn't be controversial, they should be common sense.

No, what should be common sense is that gun control doesn't work. It doesn't even work a little bit. In fact, where stronger gun control is instigated, the murder rates increase. Gun control murders people. Argue for common sense murders instead.

So I'm going to continue to work with

Oh boy, here comes the meat an potatoes, here's his action plan, he's going to detail exactly what he'll do to resolve this horrible problem of AK-47s being on the streets instead of on the battlefield, except when in the hands of other people who are regular citizens, who can also have them, but not that they should, but they can now, not that I'm implying they can't later- but just that it's happening now as the current state of our politics. Not that I'm going to change that-- er-- but I might-- if I get consensus, which I won't. Please stop asking me about this. No further question. I am Iron Man.

members of both parties, and with religious groups, and with civic organizations

Oooo! I'll bet gun advocates are shaking in their boots now! He's going to work with members! And not just regular members, members of both parties! And then, he's gonna work with religious groups! And then after that, civic organization! Look out, guns! There's a new sheriff in town! And he's gonna do exactly what the old sheriff did. Nothing.

to arrive at a consensus around violence reduction.

WHOA! He's nailing the NRA to the wall! He won't stop short of a consensus around violence reduction! It's so great he's fighting for that consensus, because I know tons of people who are always talking about how we need more violence, and we need to reconcile those views with those who want less violence. Maybe we can meet half way at a little violence. Not a lot, just enough to, y'know, spice things up.

Not just-- uh-- of-- gun violence

No clue why you stumbled over "gun violence." Maybe you were thinking about ladder violence or mailbox voilence.

but violence at every level at every step looking at everything we can do to reduce violence and keep our children safe, from improving mental health services for troubled youth, to instituting more effective community policing strategies, we should leave no stone unturned and recognize that we have no greater mission, as a country, than keeping our young people safe.

"Blah blah blah, I can't do a damn thing to stop Americans from buying guns, because when I do, the poll numbers I obsessively check go down, and you cousin humpin' rednecks just buy more of the damn things."

abadee-abadee-abadee-that's all folks!

Absolutely toothless.

I love it.

I hope gun owners only read the headlines on this one, and then run out and by more AK-47 clones. I want Obama screaming, "I can even name guns without them buying more!" I want a reporter hold up a picture of an AK, and ask Obama what it is, and then read the frenzied headlines where Obama said, "...AK-47..." (full context on page ZZ99), and then read about the increased sales. We're not quite there yet, but we sure seem close to it.

In other news Obama is really feeling the pinch. It comes through in everything he does lately. Don't worry Barry, we don't have that shoot-you-in-the-head policy on buying a pack of smokes just yet. Just make sure you don't exhale. I hear that gives off carbon emissions.