Like herding fucking cats!

It is said that getting programmers to work together on a project is like herding cats.

UPDATED

My boss told me to try to get a workaround up for the programmer who was dragging his feet, because in the meantime, we're getting burned. I call one of the programmers who is busy with other stuff for more info.

Me: Hey, would it be better if I set up the database like this or like that?
Programmer: Kinda depends on what data you're storing.
M: It's the data coming across right now.
P: The first way would be best. Why are you storing that data? That's what [feet dragging programmer] is doing.
M: Yeah, but we need something storing the data so we can review it until [FDP] finishes his part.
P: Who asked you to do that?
M: The boss did. We keep getting burned for missing these alerts, and he wanted something up until the project was finished. It'll be kind of a kluge, but it'll work until [FDP] finishes up.
P: But we're done. All we need is [cursory bit of data] from you.
M: *astonished noise*

The whole reason I was SPENDING time on this was because [FDP] looked like a deer in the headlights at our last status meeting. He barely understood what was going on, and we were considering dropping him because he had NO results or measurable progress

M: That was what was holding you up?!
P: Yeah.
M: All you need is [cursory bit of data] from me, and it'll be done?
P: Yeah.
M: Why didn't you ask me for it?
P: We were going to, at the next meeting.
M: Are you unaware of how long we've wanted this done, and how long we've been caught up in stupid development issues?
P: What do you mean?
M: If you need something from me, CALL ME. If I'm holding up development, CALL ME. If you need me to dance a jig for you to finish this project, call me and I'll dance the damn jig! We need this project DONE! No, wait, we needED this project done MONTHS AGO!
P: ... So you're sending that?
M: Yeah, you'll have it within the hour.
P: OK.
M: And it'll be done?
P: Well, not done done.
M: ...

UPDATE:
I understand how the data in this project is supposed to flow, I understand what part does what, and what language each part will be written in. This is why I know when information required to proceed is really unimportant, and should not bring development to a standstill. After sending that cursory bit of data over I called back and asked him to clarify on "done." His version of "done" means "done with the overall view." I pressed him on an ETA, and he asked me for some redundant information. I told him he already had that info, and anything I send will be out of old because I've already made the changes he requested at the last meeting. He replied that he needed that information so he could make sense of the information I sent last week. I told him that he shouldn't, because the two pieces of data were UNRELATED.

P: Well, you just send it over anyways.
M: OK, but I really need an ETA.
P: Once we have that data, we'll have a better picture of the overview and we can work up a timeline.
M: Ok, but I need to know if it'll be a week or two months, because I need to know if I need to continue working on this workaround.
P: You did that yourself, you do whatever you want.
M: *urge to kill rising* *deep breath* Oookayyy... I'm going to call you a bit after I send that over. I will need a broad timeline.
P: Ok, you just send that over.