THIS guy...
I'm excited.
I've been kind of looking for a new place for a while, and I haven't been challenged there in two years. I think the change was overdue.
My boss didn't want to do two weeks, so right afterward, I showed him and an ex-coworker how to manage some of the undocumented scripts and automation I had done for our patch server, and went over some of the other undocumented job functions I had been doing since our previous round of lay-offs. Then I signed out for my phone (god, I hated that phone) and card, and my former boss and I went out to the parking lot and talked for an hour about the company and my honest opinion of him, my coworkers, and the CEO.
I wasn't a dick about any of that stuff because I didn't feel upset. Like I said, I was excited. I told him he needed to delegate more before he wound up in an early grave. I told him he was trying to balance the company on his shoulders, without asking for any help, and it was taking its toll on him. I told him how one of my coworkers was truly suffering from the low pay. I told him how the CEO revealed to me that he was bored with the job. I told him how it was a privilege to watch the company learn and grow over the 7 years (this month!) I worked there.
Then I shook his hand, said goodbye, turned around, looked up at the sky, breathed the free air, and felt great.
On to the next adventure...
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
It's a marathon, not a sprint
Alright, it has been a little over two weeks since I started pounding the pavement, and I quickly discovered that a kickass attitude is no match for burnout.
The first week was easy. Well, it was technically easy. It was hard to get out of bed, and get to Starbucks, but once I was there, and my brain was in gear, there was no stopping me. I may have been more tired than I was used to at the end of the day, but it wasn't that bad.
But after the first week, I started to notice that not only was I more physically tired, I was also mentally tired. Code I had written days before made no sense to me, which wouldn't be the first time, but probably the first time for code I had written so recently, and definitely the first time I could not grok after a few minutes. Frustrated with the confusing code I had written, I decided to just start work on a different segment of code. Except... Nothing was coming out. I just sat there, unable to put two thoughts together. I started just writing whatever came to mind so I could keep track of what I was doing, but I'd forget where I was after a few lines. Then I got really angry with myself for forgetting how to code, and surfed the net idly, stopping periodically to see if I remembered how to code. I didn't. Then I got mad at myself for wasting time, and opened my list of things to read, and started reading about some perl methods I wanted to try out. Except... That didn't make sense either... I was broken, frustrated, and angry. I went home.
The following week I started sleeping through my alarm. No matter how much I turned it up, I slept right through it. And when I woke up an hour or two late, still with time to work, I didn't want to go to Starbucks because I felt like it would be a waste of time and money. So I tried to work at least one hour at home. But I had the same problem. So I just wound up playing Fallout New Vegas. More metaphorical comfort food, but it didn't matter to me, because I knew i wouldn't be able to code.
When the weekend rolled around, I wanted to code, but something always got in the way. I played obscene amounts of Fallout, and honestly had fun doing it. But I still knew time was passing me by.
I overdid it on Sunday, and stayed up too early playing, and fucked up my morning. I still work up early, and actually woke to my alarm this time, but I knew I wouldn't be able to do anything but play Fallout. So I thought about it a bit, and decided to sleep in as much as I could because I was going to work Tuesday.
So two weeks after I declared war on sleep, I slept.
After about 10 hours of sleep, I woke up a new man. Feeling refreshed, and ready to work. I didn't though, because I didn't want to jinx it.
I went to a particularly vexing day of work, came home, unwound with some teevee with the wifey, and got to bed at a reasonable hour.
This morning, I was up on time, got ready for work early, headed into Starbucks, got 2.5 hours of serious coding done, and still had a half to write this post, and head in to work.
tl,dr; I need to start pacing myself. I don't think I've ever worked as mentally hard as I did that week, certainly not on that little amount of sleep. I just didn't think I could induce burnout in a little over a week. Honestly, I'm kind of impressed. But I'm not in it for the short game, and I certainly shouldn't expect to take off at a full sprint with no training. I'm going to try doing half-mornings of non-business stuff in between my business mornings, and generally figuring out the maximum I can do without going over that threshold.
The first week was easy. Well, it was technically easy. It was hard to get out of bed, and get to Starbucks, but once I was there, and my brain was in gear, there was no stopping me. I may have been more tired than I was used to at the end of the day, but it wasn't that bad.
But after the first week, I started to notice that not only was I more physically tired, I was also mentally tired. Code I had written days before made no sense to me, which wouldn't be the first time, but probably the first time for code I had written so recently, and definitely the first time I could not grok after a few minutes. Frustrated with the confusing code I had written, I decided to just start work on a different segment of code. Except... Nothing was coming out. I just sat there, unable to put two thoughts together. I started just writing whatever came to mind so I could keep track of what I was doing, but I'd forget where I was after a few lines. Then I got really angry with myself for forgetting how to code, and surfed the net idly, stopping periodically to see if I remembered how to code. I didn't. Then I got mad at myself for wasting time, and opened my list of things to read, and started reading about some perl methods I wanted to try out. Except... That didn't make sense either... I was broken, frustrated, and angry. I went home.
The following week I started sleeping through my alarm. No matter how much I turned it up, I slept right through it. And when I woke up an hour or two late, still with time to work, I didn't want to go to Starbucks because I felt like it would be a waste of time and money. So I tried to work at least one hour at home. But I had the same problem. So I just wound up playing Fallout New Vegas. More metaphorical comfort food, but it didn't matter to me, because I knew i wouldn't be able to code.
When the weekend rolled around, I wanted to code, but something always got in the way. I played obscene amounts of Fallout, and honestly had fun doing it. But I still knew time was passing me by.
I overdid it on Sunday, and stayed up too early playing, and fucked up my morning. I still work up early, and actually woke to my alarm this time, but I knew I wouldn't be able to do anything but play Fallout. So I thought about it a bit, and decided to sleep in as much as I could because I was going to work Tuesday.
So two weeks after I declared war on sleep, I slept.
After about 10 hours of sleep, I woke up a new man. Feeling refreshed, and ready to work. I didn't though, because I didn't want to jinx it.
I went to a particularly vexing day of work, came home, unwound with some teevee with the wifey, and got to bed at a reasonable hour.
This morning, I was up on time, got ready for work early, headed into Starbucks, got 2.5 hours of serious coding done, and still had a half to write this post, and head in to work.
tl,dr; I need to start pacing myself. I don't think I've ever worked as mentally hard as I did that week, certainly not on that little amount of sleep. I just didn't think I could induce burnout in a little over a week. Honestly, I'm kind of impressed. But I'm not in it for the short game, and I certainly shouldn't expect to take off at a full sprint with no training. I'm going to try doing half-mornings of non-business stuff in between my business mornings, and generally figuring out the maximum I can do without going over that threshold.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Why Minecraft is fun
I've often wondered what it was that made Minecraft fun.
It was frustrating trying to explain it to people who hadn't played it, because I just couldn't put my finger on it. But this review hit the nail on the head.
The reason Minecraft is fun is because it's totally random.
The world generation is random.
When you generate a new world, you're seeing something no one else has ever seen before. Everything is new, nothing is planned. That is why discovering amazing naturally occurring land features is so exciting. There was no artist that sketched this and gave it to a team of graphic designers who built it into the game. This is all new, generated just now, discovered by you. Sure, there are rules that go into the creation of these features, but they are still quite random, and still somewhat rare.
The enemy generation is random.
Enemies generate within certain rules, but their generation is still random. There is no pretense of fairness. When you buy a standard game, and you hit a part that you can't quite get past, you'll keep pushing at it or try a different method, because in the back of your mind, there is the knowledge that a company developed this game, and they did not make it impossible. They probably spent tens of thousands of dollars in testing to make sure it was just the right level of difficulty for the potential buyers. There is no safety net in this game. You are entirely at the mercy of the random number generator and a few simple restrictions.
Resource generation is random.
When I find diamond in Minecraft, I get honestly excited. Because it's rare. Really rare. And when I go mining, I have zero assurance of finding any. I'm not fulfilling a mission to find diamond to continue the main story of the game, where I can be comforted by the knowledge that I will find diamond, because I require it to continue playing. If I find diamond, it's because I used a good mining strategy to find a rare resource, not because someone put an objective marker on my map, and handed me a pick.
The situations you can get yourself into are random.
The combination of the random events occurring randomly on randomly generated landscape can lead to some really random situations. You could be out in the light of day, gathering resources, then fall into a cave filled with monsters, and instantly get overwhelmed and killed. You could be out hunting cows to make some leather armor, when it starts to get dark, and you realize you have no idea where you are or where your shelter is. You could be monster hunting with the best weapons, and the best armor, and take a single hit from a spider, and be pushed off the edge of a heretofore unnoticed cliff. You could be spelunking when a creeper sneaks up on you, jump back, missing most of the blast, and watch helplessly as the sand ceiling collapses, suffocating you.
The world is a beautiful, dangerous, unforgiving place.
Finding diamond, building amazing structures, or simply surviving are all the more rewarding knowing that you did it in a very hostile environment with no safety net or promise of success.
It's just you versus the world, and it feels really good to win.
It was frustrating trying to explain it to people who hadn't played it, because I just couldn't put my finger on it. But this review hit the nail on the head.
The reason Minecraft is fun is because it's totally random.
The world generation is random.
When you generate a new world, you're seeing something no one else has ever seen before. Everything is new, nothing is planned. That is why discovering amazing naturally occurring land features is so exciting. There was no artist that sketched this and gave it to a team of graphic designers who built it into the game. This is all new, generated just now, discovered by you. Sure, there are rules that go into the creation of these features, but they are still quite random, and still somewhat rare.
The enemy generation is random.
Enemies generate within certain rules, but their generation is still random. There is no pretense of fairness. When you buy a standard game, and you hit a part that you can't quite get past, you'll keep pushing at it or try a different method, because in the back of your mind, there is the knowledge that a company developed this game, and they did not make it impossible. They probably spent tens of thousands of dollars in testing to make sure it was just the right level of difficulty for the potential buyers. There is no safety net in this game. You are entirely at the mercy of the random number generator and a few simple restrictions.
Resource generation is random.
When I find diamond in Minecraft, I get honestly excited. Because it's rare. Really rare. And when I go mining, I have zero assurance of finding any. I'm not fulfilling a mission to find diamond to continue the main story of the game, where I can be comforted by the knowledge that I will find diamond, because I require it to continue playing. If I find diamond, it's because I used a good mining strategy to find a rare resource, not because someone put an objective marker on my map, and handed me a pick.
The situations you can get yourself into are random.
The combination of the random events occurring randomly on randomly generated landscape can lead to some really random situations. You could be out in the light of day, gathering resources, then fall into a cave filled with monsters, and instantly get overwhelmed and killed. You could be out hunting cows to make some leather armor, when it starts to get dark, and you realize you have no idea where you are or where your shelter is. You could be monster hunting with the best weapons, and the best armor, and take a single hit from a spider, and be pushed off the edge of a heretofore unnoticed cliff. You could be spelunking when a creeper sneaks up on you, jump back, missing most of the blast, and watch helplessly as the sand ceiling collapses, suffocating you.
The world is a beautiful, dangerous, unforgiving place.
Finding diamond, building amazing structures, or simply surviving are all the more rewarding knowing that you did it in a very hostile environment with no safety net or promise of success.
It's just you versus the world, and it feels really good to win.
How to cheat at caravan in Fallout: New Vegas
UPDATE 8/19/12: If you've played New Vegas recently you've probably noticed that this tactic no longer reliably works, and the merchants who have enough caps to make Caravan a worthwhile endeavor will only play you 5 times. I kind of like it better this way, because the games are more interesting and challenging. I still lose sometimes on bad hands. It really is a fun game if you take the time to learn it, and consider the full implications of the face cards.
Good luck! The original post will continue below...
Caravan is a card-based minigame within Fallout: New Vegas. A whole bunch of NPCs will play it with you, for varying amounts of caps.
It is also incomprehensible.
The rules provided are terrible. A fucking tutorial would have taught in minutes what a giant block of text couldn't explain in hours. But here we are.
There are a number of youtube tutorials on how to play, and to Bethesda's credit, it's actually a pretty fun game once you understand what you're doing, and how to fuck with your opponent. Only problem is, the opponent AI in this minigame is a bit thick (at least so far in the game). Once you get a few tricks under your belt, it's practically a guaranteed win as soon as you start. Maybe later on better NPCs will put up a real fight, but nothing so far. Just free caps.
But if you just need the caps, why bother learning to play, planning out your strategy, or giving a shit? Just do this for free caps forever. (or at least until they patch the obviously flawed rules of their game)
Whoops.
Good luck! The original post will continue below...
Caravan is a card-based minigame within Fallout: New Vegas. A whole bunch of NPCs will play it with you, for varying amounts of caps.
It is also incomprehensible.
The rules provided are terrible. A fucking tutorial would have taught in minutes what a giant block of text couldn't explain in hours. But here we are.
There are a number of youtube tutorials on how to play, and to Bethesda's credit, it's actually a pretty fun game once you understand what you're doing, and how to fuck with your opponent. Only problem is, the opponent AI in this minigame is a bit thick (at least so far in the game). Once you get a few tricks under your belt, it's practically a guaranteed win as soon as you start. Maybe later on better NPCs will put up a real fight, but nothing so far. Just free caps.
But if you just need the caps, why bother learning to play, planning out your strategy, or giving a shit? Just do this for free caps forever. (or at least until they patch the obviously flawed rules of their game)
Whoops.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Quote of the don't ask me, my wife handles that stuff...
I think women, because -- at least in my household -- tend to have a better sense of the family budget...
~President Obama
Wow.
So the first lady is better at budgeting than the president?
I wish I could say I was surprised.
I guess I'd rather have this running my country.
All partisanship aside, I NEVER want the person with approval and veto power over this country's economy to tell me that his wife is better with money than he is.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Complete disrespect
Repost: Quote of the Collecting History
The Armed Candian talked about why he buys surplus rifles. It's all right here.
For every "cosmo queen", there is a rifle with a battered stock and a little wear that has a story to tell. Holding a surplus rifle, you can imagine what it was like to carry it into battle. You can picture what life was like for the man who depended on that weapon with his life. Did he clean it and care for it? Or did he toss it aside after a hard days march or fighting? Perhaps it saw the rubble of Stalingrad or Berlin or the icy snows outside Moscow? You may never know the story but someone, somewhere carried a rifle like it with all their hopes and dreams along with it. And perhaps died with it, the last object they ever held in their hands.
~Armed Canadian
Serius bizniss
Business Partner: Anything else?
Me: Yeah, we need to talk about how we're going to handle the personnel bandwidth issue coming up mid-October.
BP: What? I thought we were doing good on time. What's the issue?
Me: Fallout: New Vegas.
BP: Oh crap.
Me: Yeah, we need to talk about how we're going to handle the personnel bandwidth issue coming up mid-October.
BP: What? I thought we were doing good on time. What's the issue?
Me: Fallout: New Vegas.
BP: Oh crap.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
For you to succeed, I must fail.
I know that the ideal outcome of a web application vulnerability assessment is that the hacker finds nothing, and reports that the site is very secure.
But that doesn't keep me from feeling crappy when I can't find anything wrong.
Bleh.
But that doesn't keep me from feeling crappy when I can't find anything wrong.
Bleh.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I wished I could stay in that uncomfortable chair at that tiny table in that freezing place all day
I go to that Starbucks because it's close, opens early, and has free wifi. I dutifully purchase a product to use the space each morning. But I don't like it.
It's cold, the chairs are uncomfortable for long periods, the internet can lag at times, and the tables are tiny. Did I mention it's cold? I don't get cold easily, but I've typed through shivering hands there. Sweater, pants, and shoes are required. I usually wear a beanie too.
But this morning, I didn't want to go to work. I wanted to stay there so I could work on the business.
One of the many people I talked to before deciding to start a business told me that when you work for yourself, you'll never work harder in your life, but you'll love every minute of it.
I only started pounding the pavement last week, and I think I already love it.
Why won't the library open earlier?
It's cold, the chairs are uncomfortable for long periods, the internet can lag at times, and the tables are tiny. Did I mention it's cold? I don't get cold easily, but I've typed through shivering hands there. Sweater, pants, and shoes are required. I usually wear a beanie too.
But this morning, I didn't want to go to work. I wanted to stay there so I could work on the business.
One of the many people I talked to before deciding to start a business told me that when you work for yourself, you'll never work harder in your life, but you'll love every minute of it.
I only started pounding the pavement last week, and I think I already love it.
Why won't the library open earlier?
Being a good guy
Last week, my wife dropped me off at the shop where my car was waiting for me. I had already paid for it earlier and had the keys, so I just hopped in and got ready to leave. The mechanic who took care of me ran out, and knocked on my window. Apparently a guy in an RV broke my tail light backing up to leave. He left a complete note with his name, address, and two phone numbers. The damage was very slight. There was a deep scratch in the bumper, and outer plastic of the tail light was broken with no body damage. Perfect broken tail light.
I called him that weekend, and he asked that I get an estimate so he can figure if he's going to have his insurance take care of it, or just pay out of pocket. I said it was no problem, and that I would get some estimates. I was a little concerned about damage I couldn't see, and looked up shops that could get me an estimate. It wasn't until I started considering how much time it was going to take to get fixed that it even occurred to me to change it myself.
I checked eBay, and found I could get a replacement tail light assembly for $70, so I went out to the car, and spent about 30 minutes taking apart all the trunk paneling I could to get to the poorly located nuts that held the tail light in place. I could swap this out easily, and the scratch on the bumper was cosmetic. My car was far from brand new, and scars show character.
I considered asking for $300 to cover the damage, and just replacing the light myself. If I involved his insurance, his rate would very likely go up enough to make a one time $300 expense make sense. He'd be fine with it, and I'd have a little extra money in my pocket during these no OT times. It was the capitalist thing to do. Both people would be happy with the transaction. But one would probably be happier.
The more I thought about it, the harder it was to rationalize. Especially when it would have been easy for him to just drive away. Maybe $200 would be better? I didn't really feel good about profiting from this guy's mistake, but my time was still valuable. Bah, I'll just chalk it up to experience working on the car. $70 for the light, $30 for my labor. An even $100.
I called him up and told him I took apart my trunk to get behind the light, and saw I could replace it myself, and that I found a replacement light on ebay for $70.
John: So how much do you want?
ET: Figure 30 for my time. An even 100.
J: You sure?
E: Sure. [jokingly] But I am kind of giving your a break on my normal hourly rate though.
J: How about $150?
E: If that's what you want to pay, I'll take it.
We set up a meeting at the Starbucks I code at in the mornings.
The next morning he called to say he had arrived, and I told him where to find me. He was a little younger than I figured for RV folk, late 40s early 50s, pattern baldness around a well tanned head, short salt and pepper hair and beard. I half-closed my laptop, and stood slightly to shake his hand.
John: Nice to meet you.
ET: Nice to meet you too.
J: Thanks for being a good guy about this... [he seemed to think, "lord knows this could have gone the other way"]
E: No problem.
J: Well, here's the $150... [counts out $130] Wait a minute... I seem to have lost $20 on the way here. Hang on. [begins toward the door]
E: [I make a quick visual recount] Wait, John, you don't... [he was out the door]
[Is this a game? No. He counted it out in front of me, he's got a note, and he left me with the money. I hide the money under the handwritten notes and pen he brought. No point in leaving it sitting out. He returns, and I decided against making a joke about "what money?"]
J: [He seemed to notice that I looked very at home in my little section of this Starbucks. That's not good. I'm sick of this place already] You here often?
E: Every morning. I'm starting a business and working, so it's 5 every night, here to work on the business, then off to work.
J: Well, it's good what you're doing. [he counts it again and sighs] $130. I just came from the bank, and I got $140 out and had this $10. Not sure where that $20 is, but it looks like it's costing me $170. [takes out his wallet]
E: Forget about it.
J: No, no, I said $150.
E: It's your call, man.
J: Here you go. And I wrote up a quick note saying that I paid you for a broken tail light and bumper damage, if you don't mind signing it.
E: [It was a simple note, nothing lawyerish, not even printed on a printer] Of course. [I signed the simple document, and handed it back to him]
J: Did you want a copy?
E: Not necessary. Actually, there is one more thing... Since the accident, [I rubbed my neck emphatically] I've been having some neck pain...
J: [he grinned broadly] Really? And where were you during the accident again?
E: Well, I was a few miles away, but me and my car... we just have this bond...
J: [laughter]
E: You know, you thanked me for being a good guy about it, but you made it easy by being a good guy first.
J: Well, the first thing I did was go inside to see if they'd give me your number, but they couldn't because of client confidentiality or something, so I left them that note to give to you.
E: Well, I just appreciate you doing the right thing.
J: Thanks for being a stand up guy about this. Well, I gotta get back to my sick wife.
E: Oh! I hope she feels better.
J: It's cancer.
E: Oh...! [I could feel my eyes begin to water slightly. Over empathy strikes again!]
J: [he didn't break eye contact, his face didn't change from the pleasant expression he had the whole conversation, he didn't miss a beat] Don't worry about it, life goes on-- you're young, and you're here, makin' it happen. Thanks again for being a good guy about this.
E: [I barely croaked out:] Thanks. [not what I wanted to say, but it was what came out]
I can't believe I almost profited from this man.
If I said $300, he probably would have been less friendly, and less likely to open up to me. I would have continued on my merry way, $230 richer (or $296 if just got some red brake tape) and never given it a second thought. I would have never known that I created an unexpected expense for this man who's probably going through the hardest time in his life. Hell, even if he told me, there's no way he would have accepted his money back.
He was just some random jerk who smashed into my car, and inconvenienced my life. But after a few minutes with him, I have this connection to him that would never allow me to do what I could have just as easily do to some stranger. But that's what confuses me; technically, he's still a stranger. We're probably not going to hang out later, or talk about how my tail light is doing at the 5 Year Broken Tail Light Reunion. I only know a few things about him, and will probably never see him again, but I'll never regard him as some random jerk again.
This has been something I've pondered for a long time.
Sure, his problems aren't my problems, and I could have just as easily been self-righteous about giving him a moderately expensive lesson to remind him to be more careful when he maneuvered his RV. He could also just as easily have been fucking with me, and enjoying a big laugh at my expense on the drive home. But I'm glad I did what I did, and the lesson I learned will stay with me.
I called him that weekend, and he asked that I get an estimate so he can figure if he's going to have his insurance take care of it, or just pay out of pocket. I said it was no problem, and that I would get some estimates. I was a little concerned about damage I couldn't see, and looked up shops that could get me an estimate. It wasn't until I started considering how much time it was going to take to get fixed that it even occurred to me to change it myself.
I checked eBay, and found I could get a replacement tail light assembly for $70, so I went out to the car, and spent about 30 minutes taking apart all the trunk paneling I could to get to the poorly located nuts that held the tail light in place. I could swap this out easily, and the scratch on the bumper was cosmetic. My car was far from brand new, and scars show character.
I considered asking for $300 to cover the damage, and just replacing the light myself. If I involved his insurance, his rate would very likely go up enough to make a one time $300 expense make sense. He'd be fine with it, and I'd have a little extra money in my pocket during these no OT times. It was the capitalist thing to do. Both people would be happy with the transaction. But one would probably be happier.
The more I thought about it, the harder it was to rationalize. Especially when it would have been easy for him to just drive away. Maybe $200 would be better? I didn't really feel good about profiting from this guy's mistake, but my time was still valuable. Bah, I'll just chalk it up to experience working on the car. $70 for the light, $30 for my labor. An even $100.
I called him up and told him I took apart my trunk to get behind the light, and saw I could replace it myself, and that I found a replacement light on ebay for $70.
John: So how much do you want?
ET: Figure 30 for my time. An even 100.
J: You sure?
E: Sure. [jokingly] But I am kind of giving your a break on my normal hourly rate though.
J: How about $150?
E: If that's what you want to pay, I'll take it.
We set up a meeting at the Starbucks I code at in the mornings.
The next morning he called to say he had arrived, and I told him where to find me. He was a little younger than I figured for RV folk, late 40s early 50s, pattern baldness around a well tanned head, short salt and pepper hair and beard. I half-closed my laptop, and stood slightly to shake his hand.
John: Nice to meet you.
ET: Nice to meet you too.
J: Thanks for being a good guy about this... [he seemed to think, "lord knows this could have gone the other way"]
E: No problem.
J: Well, here's the $150... [counts out $130] Wait a minute... I seem to have lost $20 on the way here. Hang on. [begins toward the door]
E: [I make a quick visual recount] Wait, John, you don't... [he was out the door]
[Is this a game? No. He counted it out in front of me, he's got a note, and he left me with the money. I hide the money under the handwritten notes and pen he brought. No point in leaving it sitting out. He returns, and I decided against making a joke about "what money?"]
J: [He seemed to notice that I looked very at home in my little section of this Starbucks. That's not good. I'm sick of this place already] You here often?
E: Every morning. I'm starting a business and working, so it's 5 every night, here to work on the business, then off to work.
J: Well, it's good what you're doing. [he counts it again and sighs] $130. I just came from the bank, and I got $140 out and had this $10. Not sure where that $20 is, but it looks like it's costing me $170. [takes out his wallet]
E: Forget about it.
J: No, no, I said $150.
E: It's your call, man.
J: Here you go. And I wrote up a quick note saying that I paid you for a broken tail light and bumper damage, if you don't mind signing it.
E: [It was a simple note, nothing lawyerish, not even printed on a printer] Of course. [I signed the simple document, and handed it back to him]
J: Did you want a copy?
E: Not necessary. Actually, there is one more thing... Since the accident, [I rubbed my neck emphatically] I've been having some neck pain...
J: [he grinned broadly] Really? And where were you during the accident again?
E: Well, I was a few miles away, but me and my car... we just have this bond...
J: [laughter]
E: You know, you thanked me for being a good guy about it, but you made it easy by being a good guy first.
J: Well, the first thing I did was go inside to see if they'd give me your number, but they couldn't because of client confidentiality or something, so I left them that note to give to you.
E: Well, I just appreciate you doing the right thing.
J: Thanks for being a stand up guy about this. Well, I gotta get back to my sick wife.
E: Oh! I hope she feels better.
J: It's cancer.
E: Oh...! [I could feel my eyes begin to water slightly. Over empathy strikes again!]
J: [he didn't break eye contact, his face didn't change from the pleasant expression he had the whole conversation, he didn't miss a beat] Don't worry about it, life goes on-- you're young, and you're here, makin' it happen. Thanks again for being a good guy about this.
E: [I barely croaked out:] Thanks. [not what I wanted to say, but it was what came out]
I can't believe I almost profited from this man.
If I said $300, he probably would have been less friendly, and less likely to open up to me. I would have continued on my merry way, $230 richer (or $296 if just got some red brake tape) and never given it a second thought. I would have never known that I created an unexpected expense for this man who's probably going through the hardest time in his life. Hell, even if he told me, there's no way he would have accepted his money back.
He was just some random jerk who smashed into my car, and inconvenienced my life. But after a few minutes with him, I have this connection to him that would never allow me to do what I could have just as easily do to some stranger. But that's what confuses me; technically, he's still a stranger. We're probably not going to hang out later, or talk about how my tail light is doing at the 5 Year Broken Tail Light Reunion. I only know a few things about him, and will probably never see him again, but I'll never regard him as some random jerk again.
This has been something I've pondered for a long time.
Things would be very different if everyone realized that all the nameless, faceless people they pass by every day had the same hopes, fears, ambitions, insecurities, loves, hates, and life that they had.
When people start seeing themselves in other people; how could they do wrong?
~From post A Blog's Purpose
Sure, his problems aren't my problems, and I could have just as easily been self-righteous about giving him a moderately expensive lesson to remind him to be more careful when he maneuvered his RV. He could also just as easily have been fucking with me, and enjoying a big laugh at my expense on the drive home. But I'm glad I did what I did, and the lesson I learned will stay with me.
Monday, October 11, 2010
California budget 100 days late, relies upon magical money shitting goat to close gaps
Not quite a magical goat, but it might as well have been. They balanced the budget on the expectation that the economy will turn from bust to boom on a dime, and that the feds will give them a bigger allowance this year cuz they've been mowing the lawn, and taking out the trash, and keeping their room clean.
To anyone familiar with California's "maybe we'll win 4.8 billion dollars in the lottery next year" budget planning style, this should come as no surprise. But the fact that they're doing it in the middle of the greatrecession super happy recovery time, is just salt in the giant sucking chest wound that is California's fiscal liabilities.
Wait a minute... Are the feds the magical money shitting goat??? Maybe they're not so crazy...
To anyone familiar with California's "maybe we'll win 4.8 billion dollars in the lottery next year" budget planning style, this should come as no surprise. But the fact that they're doing it in the middle of the great
Wait a minute... Are the feds the magical money shitting goat??? Maybe they're not so crazy...
Thursday, October 07, 2010
Pound the pavement till it bleeds
Because of a number of factors in my childhood, I was on edge most of the time at home. I didn't sleep in because my mom wouldn't let me. There was always something to do. When I moved out, I worked mornings, and sleeping wasn't possible. After my hours got changed to evenings, for the first time, I could sleep in without worry of disturbance. After trying it out a bit, I realized I really liked not having to do anything.
I was now able to wake up, and feel joy that I didn't have to get up, and could go back to sleep. I started doing it every weekday (on weekends it felt like a waste of free time), and I enjoyed it. I did this for about 3 years.
Since work started kicking up, I started to feel down. I used to have more fun at work, but with the recession, understaffing, and elimination of overtime, work has just been draining me.
It was a medium-sized push, but I was already close enough to the edge for some reason to start feeling depressed again. Since I had fought it so well before, it took some time for me to recognize the old symptoms. My mind would automatically avoid the thought, because that starts the spiral, so I had to come to the realization somewhat obliquely, but there it was.
At this point, I was relying on metaphorical comfort food to keep my mood up. I found the FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU sub-Reddit, and it was guaranteed lolz for me. Hanging out at the top of the board on Modern Warfare 2 on Xbox Live for hours was fun, but wore off quickly when I stopped. Enjoying my wife's company was great, but as soon as she left, so did the feeling.
I stopped blogging anything of substance, I hated work, I hated the feeling I got after an 8 hour session of MW2 pwnage, I hated checking the FFFUUUU subreddit and seeing there was nothing new because I checked it 10 minutes ago, I never felt like going to the range, I had no drive to code, and I acted like an unmotivated employee in the company I co-owned.
I knew I was depressed, but was afraid to admit it to myself because the source of my depression had changed, and I wasn't sure how to address it.
Realizing how big the world is and how small you really are is great for when you're getting caught up in the small stuff. But this was different. I was comfortable with where I was, and somewhere in my mind, I knew I was doing something wrong.
Then I saw some drawings on FFFFUUUU based on a comment from Ask Reddit. I tracked the comments back, and read the original post, and the comments referenced.
Original post
One of many responses;
The response to the above that I saw first;
The specifics of the motivation are as unimportant as the typos and grammatical errors. The main points for me were the last line of the first comment, and the motivation of the second.
When I read this I remembered making the conscious decision that I was going to sleep in and be lazy because I had never been able to do so before. I actually decided to be lazy. Three years later, I was close to the edge, and work troubles pushed me over. Now that I could see what I was doing, I could see how I had rationalized it all this time.
I wasn't oversleeping, I was sleeping at least 8 hours, which is what doctors recommend.
I didn't need to work harder at the business, coding was easy enough for me that I just needed to code, and the rest would come.
Shooting is expensive, and I'm already good enough with my .22s. Plus it takes all day to drive out to the desert where I can shoot larger rifles.
Work is annoying, but I power through it, so it's OK.
Even though these rationalizations aren't technically lies, it was obvious they weren't working for me. I needed to change. I didn't used to be like this. I kicked ass and took names to get where I am today. I had that "don't tell me what I can't do" spirit. Where is that guy?
Oh.
He's sleeping.
He's procrastinating.
He's looking for the quick fix.
He's acting like every other person you see out in the world, wandering around aimlessly, looking for a quick shot of pleasure, and waiting for the next big thing to happen to them.
And he's not going to have ANYTHING to show for his actions in 10 years.
Which brings me to the second comment;
Wake up early and pound the pavement till it bleeds.
The comfortable life is a phantom temptation. It creeps up on you, and whispers into your ear;
"Hey, things are going pretty good right now. They're not incredible or anything, but they used to be much worse. Remember those times? All you gotta do now is tread water, and you'll never have to live those times again."
Beat the comfortable life like it owes you money.
The motivated people I read about and listen to are never satisfied. They want more, and when they get it, they want even more than that.
My misanthropy stems from a severe abhorrence of mediocrity. It's like I can see the skates many of the people around me are coasting through life on. Just hoping the bump into something good. Sometimes they run out of steam, and have to push a little. Sometimes they bump into something good. Sometimes other people give them a push toward a goal. But they're just coasting.
Well, I finally looked down, and somewhere along the way the ass-kicking boots I put on years ago turned into skates. The world was passing around me and I wasn't doing anything about it because I was afraid I forgot how to walk.
FUCK.
THAT.
I'm meant for bigger things.
I'm getting up at my equivalent of dawn, getting away from my distractions, and pounding my equivalent of the pavement till it bleeds. I'm going to practice what I love until it loves me back. And I won't stop for anything or anyone until I can look back and say, "Fuck yeah. I did that. I did it all."
Changing your life is hard, and it's a lot harder to kick yourself in the ass when you're lying down in bed, groping for the alarm when your eyes haven't started working yet. I recorded a message to my tired self from my kick-ass self, and I listened to it this morning... Sure, it took a few times before I actually got up, and I'm cold, and hungry, and tired in this Starbucks, and my car has been in the shop for 5 hours longer than I thought it'd be, but I've been getting shit done for 6 hours now, and it's not even 2. Today, I got 5 hours of work done before the time I would have gotten out of bed two days ago.
I was lucky enough to record the big picture things I need to do during the moments of clarity in the fog I was coasting through, so I've got plenty to work on.
I know it's hard, but nothing worth doing is easy.
I've done enough hard things to know that they get easier to do if you keep doing them, and if you keep doing them long enough...
They come as naturally as breathing.
So that's the goal.
Rebuild myself once more.
Become that guy again.
And I'm gonna fucking win it all.
I was now able to wake up, and feel joy that I didn't have to get up, and could go back to sleep. I started doing it every weekday (on weekends it felt like a waste of free time), and I enjoyed it. I did this for about 3 years.
Since work started kicking up, I started to feel down. I used to have more fun at work, but with the recession, understaffing, and elimination of overtime, work has just been draining me.
It was a medium-sized push, but I was already close enough to the edge for some reason to start feeling depressed again. Since I had fought it so well before, it took some time for me to recognize the old symptoms. My mind would automatically avoid the thought, because that starts the spiral, so I had to come to the realization somewhat obliquely, but there it was.
At this point, I was relying on metaphorical comfort food to keep my mood up. I found the FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU sub-Reddit, and it was guaranteed lolz for me. Hanging out at the top of the board on Modern Warfare 2 on Xbox Live for hours was fun, but wore off quickly when I stopped. Enjoying my wife's company was great, but as soon as she left, so did the feeling.
I stopped blogging anything of substance, I hated work, I hated the feeling I got after an 8 hour session of MW2 pwnage, I hated checking the FFFUUUU subreddit and seeing there was nothing new because I checked it 10 minutes ago, I never felt like going to the range, I had no drive to code, and I acted like an unmotivated employee in the company I co-owned.
I knew I was depressed, but was afraid to admit it to myself because the source of my depression had changed, and I wasn't sure how to address it.
Realizing how big the world is and how small you really are is great for when you're getting caught up in the small stuff. But this was different. I was comfortable with where I was, and somewhere in my mind, I knew I was doing something wrong.
Then I saw some drawings on FFFFUUUU based on a comment from Ask Reddit. I tracked the comments back, and read the original post, and the comments referenced.
Original post
One of many responses;
Three words; wake up early. Wake up every day at the crack of dawn. Beat the sunrise like a boss. 5 AM is ideal. Tired? Fuck that. By waking up early every day, you take control of your entire day. The first thing you should do when you wake up is not think "Fuck I'm tired..." but "FUCK YEAH ANOTHER DAY I LIVE!" and plan your day accordingly. Write down goals all the time and circle the ones you have not completed yet in the morning. Conquer every day. Do not let the day control you. Sleep every day early unless your goal needs to be completed that day. You can either enjoy the indulgences of lethargy and then drown in regret or take the pains of goals and live a champion.
~ihaveacalculator
The response to the above that I saw first;
Three words reiterated: Wake thefuckup earlier. Fuck dawn, be awake for that as well. Wide awake. Leave your house while dark, grab a coffee, and attack nature. Climb a mountain, surf a wave, dive a trench, or pound pavement until the concrete bleeds. I don't know where you fucking live. But seize it. See those dark windows as you're running by? They don't know what the fuck they are doing with their lives. You do. And your gonna fucking win it all. Graphic design the shit out of your life too. Dont have art on your walls? Fucking make it! Lost your pet? Put some fucking signs up. Even if you didnt, make some anyways! Practice the shit out of what you love, and it'll love you back like your bitch. Yea your short. So fucking what. Bet you one day living like its yours, and every person in the world will look up to you. Just don't ever fucking stop. Not for anyone, and not for anything, until you can look back on your life and say fuck yeah. I did that. I did it all.
~news_and_coffee
The specifics of the motivation are as unimportant as the typos and grammatical errors. The main points for me were the last line of the first comment, and the motivation of the second.
You can either enjoy the indulgences of lethargy and then drown in regret or take the pains of goals and live a champion.
When I read this I remembered making the conscious decision that I was going to sleep in and be lazy because I had never been able to do so before. I actually decided to be lazy. Three years later, I was close to the edge, and work troubles pushed me over. Now that I could see what I was doing, I could see how I had rationalized it all this time.
I wasn't oversleeping, I was sleeping at least 8 hours, which is what doctors recommend.
I didn't need to work harder at the business, coding was easy enough for me that I just needed to code, and the rest would come.
Shooting is expensive, and I'm already good enough with my .22s. Plus it takes all day to drive out to the desert where I can shoot larger rifles.
Work is annoying, but I power through it, so it's OK.
Even though these rationalizations aren't technically lies, it was obvious they weren't working for me. I needed to change. I didn't used to be like this. I kicked ass and took names to get where I am today. I had that "don't tell me what I can't do" spirit. Where is that guy?
Oh.
He's sleeping.
He's procrastinating.
He's looking for the quick fix.
He's acting like every other person you see out in the world, wandering around aimlessly, looking for a quick shot of pleasure, and waiting for the next big thing to happen to them.
And he's not going to have ANYTHING to show for his actions in 10 years.
Which brings me to the second comment;
Wake up early and pound the pavement till it bleeds.
The comfortable life is a phantom temptation. It creeps up on you, and whispers into your ear;
"Hey, things are going pretty good right now. They're not incredible or anything, but they used to be much worse. Remember those times? All you gotta do now is tread water, and you'll never have to live those times again."
Beat the comfortable life like it owes you money.
The motivated people I read about and listen to are never satisfied. They want more, and when they get it, they want even more than that.
My misanthropy stems from a severe abhorrence of mediocrity. It's like I can see the skates many of the people around me are coasting through life on. Just hoping the bump into something good. Sometimes they run out of steam, and have to push a little. Sometimes they bump into something good. Sometimes other people give them a push toward a goal. But they're just coasting.
Well, I finally looked down, and somewhere along the way the ass-kicking boots I put on years ago turned into skates. The world was passing around me and I wasn't doing anything about it because I was afraid I forgot how to walk.
FUCK.
THAT.
I'm meant for bigger things.
I'm getting up at my equivalent of dawn, getting away from my distractions, and pounding my equivalent of the pavement till it bleeds. I'm going to practice what I love until it loves me back. And I won't stop for anything or anyone until I can look back and say, "Fuck yeah. I did that. I did it all."
Changing your life is hard, and it's a lot harder to kick yourself in the ass when you're lying down in bed, groping for the alarm when your eyes haven't started working yet. I recorded a message to my tired self from my kick-ass self, and I listened to it this morning... Sure, it took a few times before I actually got up, and I'm cold, and hungry, and tired in this Starbucks, and my car has been in the shop for 5 hours longer than I thought it'd be, but I've been getting shit done for 6 hours now, and it's not even 2. Today, I got 5 hours of work done before the time I would have gotten out of bed two days ago.
I was lucky enough to record the big picture things I need to do during the moments of clarity in the fog I was coasting through, so I've got plenty to work on.
I know it's hard, but nothing worth doing is easy.
I've done enough hard things to know that they get easier to do if you keep doing them, and if you keep doing them long enough...
They come as naturally as breathing.
So that's the goal.
Rebuild myself once more.
Become that guy again.
And I'm gonna fucking win it all.
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
Mad Rush - Philip Glass
[direct link]
I've been discovering Steve Reich lately, and this was on one of his playlists. I usually have the music playing in the background as I work or do something else, but when this came on, about half way through I realized that I wasn't working. I was just listening, staring right through my computer screen, and letting the music move me.
Music should move you like that.
Marko called it.
[Regarding health care as a right] You cannot have a right to something that necessitates a financial obligation on someone else’s part. [snip] Calling it a "human right" sort of makes a mockery of the term, since actually treating it like a human right would make a whole class of professionals slaves to the rest of us.
~Marko
NY Times op-ed: Doctors should start working weekends for the good of us all.
Homeless man under pressure
[direct link]
This is a relation of one of my coworkers, he's a performer, and looking to raise awareness for the homeless.
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Priceless: Dem tries to explain how a job is created
[direct link]
They should have asked him how a job is destroyed. He knows the answer to that, but he just doesn't realize it's the answer he gave to create a job.
From HotAir
Smooth Obamatron hits a segfault, gets stuck in a loop
George Snuffleupagus interviewed President Obama, and just had to ask the question every Democrat must be asking while November approaches the Democrats in the same way an asteroid approached the dinosaurs;
ERROR! ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE! Conflict between prime directive 1 and 2!
Prime directive 1: Soak the rich
Prime directive 2: Preserve Democrat leadership
Prime directive 3: Golf
Engage subroutine &doubletalk;
RETURN: "There are a whole bunch better ways to spend the money."
Source video
Meanwhile, the Democrats in Congress are doing the same thing;
Reporter: Hai guise! Wanna propose legislation to extend Bush's tax cuts for the middle class? You look like you could really use a boost and you already concede that this needs to happen.
Congressional Dems: ERROR! ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE! Conflict between prime directives! ONE: Never cut taxes. TWO: Preserve Democrat leadership.
Reporter: What?
Congressional Dems: We're going to wait until after November.
Reporter: But shouldn't you act now, before Republicans get into power, and take the credit for passing it? Pushing it through now is a no-brainer win for you guys, and might spare you a few seats!
Congressional Dems: *BZZZT* We're going to wait until after November.
STEPHANOPOULOS: How deep is your commitment to this fight? Are you saying that if Congress passes a short term extension of all the tax cuts, you're gonna veto it?
OBAMA: George, here's what . I'm saying is that we've got a fundamental choice about this economy... [tl;dr blah blah republicans' fault]
STEPHANOPOULOS: Does that mean you will veto an extension of tax cuts to the wealthy?
OBAMA: What I am saying is that if we are going to add to our deficit by $35 billion, $95 billion, $100 billion, $700 billion, if that's the Republican agenda, then I've got a whole bunch of better ways to spend that money.
STEPHANOPOULOS: But you're not saying you're gonna veto it.
OBAMA: There are a whole bunch better ways to spend the money.
STEPHANOPOULOS: How come you don't want to say veto?
OBAMA: There are a whole bunch better ways to spend the money.
ERROR! ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE! Conflict between prime directive 1 and 2!
Prime directive 1: Soak the rich
Prime directive 2: Preserve Democrat leadership
Prime directive 3: Golf
Engage subroutine &doubletalk;
RETURN: "There are a whole bunch better ways to spend the money."
Source video
Meanwhile, the Democrats in Congress are doing the same thing;
Reporter: Hai guise! Wanna propose legislation to extend Bush's tax cuts for the middle class? You look like you could really use a boost and you already concede that this needs to happen.
Congressional Dems: ERROR! ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE! Conflict between prime directives! ONE: Never cut taxes. TWO: Preserve Democrat leadership.
Reporter: What?
Congressional Dems: We're going to wait until after November.
Reporter: But shouldn't you act now, before Republicans get into power, and take the credit for passing it? Pushing it through now is a no-brainer win for you guys, and might spare you a few seats!
Congressional Dems: *BZZZT* We're going to wait until after November.
Monday, October 04, 2010
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