ow ow ow ow ow OW!

If you're squeamish, read no further

Some idiot dropped a weight on my toe at the gym and it pushed my toenail into my toe. I didn't know it at the time, but as it continued to grow it became an ingrown toenail, and became infected.

Not cool.

It didn't hurt very much to walk on it, but if it was ever touched or pushed on, it hurt like hell. At first I thought the discharge was just crud, but when I realized it was badly infected I tried to see if I could raise the part of the nail growing into my toe, it began to bleed profusely.

Also, not cool.

After I got the blood cleaned up, I decided I should probably go to the doctor. Not sure if there was anything they could do about an ingrown toenail (or even if it was important enough to go to the doctor for), I searched Google for more information.

Very not cool.

Ok, so it's definitely infected, and I should definitely go to the hospital, but that operation? Oy. Oh well, maybe they'll have another fix for it. It's just an ingrown toenail.

So I hit the hospital as soon as they open, and bring my book so I'm actually looking forward to the wait. I see the doctor and expect I'll be given an appointment with a pediotrist.

"Nope, that's going to have to come off."
"Bugger."

Sooo not cool.

The doctor promised me that a lot of people get the operation, and that the partial toenail removal will be almost painless. I knew it was going to hurt, but as long as it would take care of the problem, I shouldn't care. What's a little temporary pain, right? I'll just have to cowboy up. What she didn't tell me, was that the painless procedure would be preceded by a series of painful injections!

As she prepped for the minor surgery I became very anxious. I wasn't sure why, but I'm sure it had something to do with the pictures I found on google, and what I read about the operation.

"I gotta say, I'm REALLY apprehensive about this, and I don't know why."
"Well, we haven't started yet, you can still change your mind."
"Changing my mind won't fix the problem, I'm just being a baby, ignore me. I just wonder if it would be better or worse if I saw it." (I was lying flat with my upper half slightly tilted downward)
"You don't want to see it.-- I mean, I would be more comfortable if you didn't watch."
SLIGHT PANIC! "... Ok."

She told me that I would be getting some shots to numb the site, and that I would barely feel the operation. I hate needles. I hate how the look, I hate thinking about them, I hate the feeling before, during, and after their use. But I'm not one to run away, so I may not like needles, but I'll grab a pair and put up with it just to prove I can. She asked if I was ready, and started the injections.

I've had painful shots before, but this was a whole NEW kind of pain. This was like if pain was a successful author, and pain's older brother resented it, so his unskilled mind incorrectly figured pain's formula for a successful book, and just multiplied it by ten and expected the book to be a winner just because he copied what he thought was the right elements. I read pain's older brother's book, and it was nothing like his younger brother's books. I want to carve this into a wall so future generations can be aware of spectacular levels and many varied types of pain I encountered. What was worse was that the site was slowly numbing, and it made a very strange type of pain; the kind of pain that your brain registers, but you only feel because you know you should, like when you break your arm and it doesn't hurt, but you feel really wrong. I didn't scream, and I didn't yell. There were a few tears though, and I'm pretty sure I would have thrown up if I had eaten anything. It was almost as painful as my spinal tap. Actually, thinking about it now, I was young and freaked out, so this probably was more painful.

So... just... eugh-

After the numbness started to work, I swore I could feel the scissors, and the pressure, and the twisting on my toe, and my imagination went wild. Then she she stood up.

"Ok, now we can get started."
I laughed the most nervous, pained laugh ever. "You mean what I was feeling WASN'T you tearing my nail off???"
"No, that was the injections."
"But I felt you--" I cut myself off when I pictured how and where she would have to deliver the injections in order for me to think she was yanking on a hanging flap of my nail. I quickly thought about bunnies and puppies before my mind concluded its thought.

She waited a bit and made sure I was numb, then started the removal. After those shots this was like relaxing in a jacuzzi.

When she was done she wrapped it up and spoke.

"Will you need a note for work?"
"I didn't think I was going to miss work. I go in at 12."
"In about 4 hours this is going to wear off, and it's going to hurt. I'll prescribe you some Vicodin."
"I'm not going to take Vicodin."
"No, I think you will."

I got my antibiotics and vicodin, and hobbled myself out to the car. I drove to work to do some things I couldn't do from home. By now the pain faded in my memory, and when I thought about it, I figured I was just imagining most of the pain, and that it probably wasn't as bad as it seemed. I resolved to keep the pain to myself so I didn't seem like a n00b who freaked out because he had to get a shot.

When I got in, I explained what had happened and one of my older coworkers looked intensely at me and said with a tinge of fear; "Did they give you those shots???"

At this question I felt a weight off my chest (surprising since I hadn't even held it in that long), "Oh god. Yes they did."

He shifted in his seat and looked around. "I've lived a long time, and I've done a lot of painful things, but those shots were easily one of the most painful things I've ever experienced."

Wow. Validation. I guess it really did hurt as much as I thought. The next day I told my Dad that I got the operation done and asked him if he ever had it done. He said the hadn't, but he heard it was extremely painful. After hearing this, I admit to feeling a little proud that I took the pain so well. It's been a little over a day now, and I did take one vicodin five hours after the operation and knocked out for a few hours watching Pulp Fiction, but that was the most of the pain. Every once in a while I'll get a strong pang of pain that will throw me off, but it's mostly just sore now. I still haven't looked at it, and I still get a little sick thinking about it. It's a permanent operation (OW!) which is good, but it's likely I'll have to (OW!) have the other toe done.

Oh well. What's a little temporary pain, right?

UPDATE: THE RETURN!