Common sense regulation of the FIRST amendment.

Alright, how's this for a twist you ungrateful 1st-amendment-only supporters. So forgetful of the support you get from 2nd amendment supporters when the time comes to pass more laws restricting gun ownership. Your keyboard chatters as you laugh loudly on your blog, proclaiming one more victory against the "crazed gun nuts"; completely unaware that the amendment you hold so near-and-dear is next on their list.

I'd like to stand up, and be the first to call for "common sense" regulation of our freedom of speech.

In the recent years, and with the advent of the intarweb, it's becoming increasingly apparent that there must be regulation of the freedom of speech. In the wrong hands, the freedom of speech becomes a tool for hate, threats, violence, and deviant behavior such as pedophilia.

Therefore, I'd like to propose the institution of the following "common sense" regulations to put a stop to the misuse of our first, and most precious right. These regulations are penned with the greater good in mind! If it saves just ONE life, it will be worth it.

The following regulations will refer to printed materials, published materials, materials placed on web logs or "blogs", web forums, web sites, chat rooms, and all other forms of digital and physical media availability. Hereafter referred to as "posts."

Carry: Carrying materials in the form of physical media such as pamphlets, posters, or notices, or in digital media such as portable flash memory cards, hard drives, or laptops, must be approved by the Sheriff of the county in which the proposed carrier of this information resides. Permits shall be issues on a "may issue" basis, and may be revoked at the Sheriff's discretion with no explanation required. Pamphlets and posters have been known to incite riots and violence and must be controlled and managed. Digital media can be transferred or copied in seconds to others who may then transfer the information to others, increasing the affected population exponentially. This rapid dissemination of information must be controlled for the safety of our population.

Assault sites: Sites which exceed regulation length, size, breadth of information, or approved content limits will be classified as "Assault Sites." In the past "blogs" have contained a preponderance of information and many varying topics. Limits will control the amount of people who view a post or "blog", and word limits for the amount of information being made available. Limits will also control the offensive appearance of these sites, while these appearances don't affect the content or ability of the site, they serve only to strike fear into readers. There is no reason anyone but professionals should have control over this much information potentially available to our children. If you want an "Assault site", join the reporter corp.

Automatic operation: Various tools allow the reproduction of rapid amounts of information in milliseconds. Tools such as "copy" and "paste", which are likely available on your computer at home and therefore available to our children, allow the high-speed reproduction of information. These tools endow too much power to disseminate copious amounts of information at a "rapid-fire" pace. This kind of speed of publishing has no legitimate civilian use, and should be left to the professionals.

Manufacturing: There are various free and pay publishing tools available on-line. These tools allow the average citizen to publish content. These tools will be controlled and regulated through legislation. Because these tools will be under control, and managed for content based on these rules, people will not be allowed to manufacture or program their own publishing tools. If left unchecked, people could create tools beyond our control, and subvert the common sense regulations imposed on this new media.

Filter bypass ("cop killer") posts: These posts subvert, bypass, and "kill" filters that protect our children from objectionable content. These posts are defined as any post which uses misleading language or implies subject matter or topics it may not directly address. These sites are made to attack our children, and must be stopped. I realize there will be an issue positively determining which sites are attempting to subvert any filters of blocking mechanisms, so there will be some inadvertent violations. These site owners are required to maintain a clear understanding of the laws, and make their content obviously obvious.

Penalty: Any site owners or content providers found in violation of these rules will be brought on felony charges of "Conspiracy to disseminate subversive information." This charge will carry a minimum 3 years and a maximum 30 years in federal prison.

Conclusion: No one loves and appreciates the freedom of speech more than I, which is why I know these laws and regulations are necessary for the preservation of our union. We must think of the children! I know that some will argue that these rules and regulations destroy the freedom of speech, and are open to abuse. To them I say: If you've done nothing wrong; you've nothing to hide.

For those of you unaware, I modeled these idiotic laws after the laws gun owners must already deal with, laws similar to these are already on the books and being enforced. Now that I finish it, I'm a little hesitant to post it. It just seems TOO plausible to me. I'd be more afraid our betters would think my (sad, sad) satire was a great idea, but then I remind myself that as far as they know, the Internet is a series of tubes. (speaking of tubes, net neutrality would make some real strides toward the fictional goals I outlined in this satire. Scary, eh?)


While I'm on the topic, I feel compelled to remind everyone that our rights are not granted by the bill of rights, they are ENUMERATED. It's like saying you have the right to a blue sky. If you revoke the blue sky amendment, the sky will still be blue. The bill of rights doesn't allow us to have our rights, it just reminds everyone that we are endowed by our creator with these inalienable rights.