Thursday, June 22, 2006

Pools vs. Guns

I think I'd like to expand on the analogy of pools being as dangerous as guns.

Children drown in pools because they don't have gates around them, but they don't just drown in their parents' pools, they drown in pools owned by neighbors and friends. How do we protect our poor children from these evil puddles? Regulate the hell out of them! Mandatory pool registration, followed by a Megan's law type piece of legislature that alerts nearby families that a family plans to install a pool, and provide a website where people can view the dastardly pool owners in their area! You know... For the children.

Mandatory purchase of fences with the installation of a pool or purchase of a house with a pool. Right to inspect for the police; if you admit to owning a pool to a law enforcement officer, he does not require consent, and has the legal right (and duty) to inspect said pool to ensure it is being maintained properly, and has a government approved fence, gate, and lock. Pool owners will be required to submit to a background check, and must undergo no less than 36 hours of training on pool safety and the pool regulations in their area, and must pass a test prior to receiving a pool safety certificate. This certificate must be provided to the pool retailer prior to purchase. Convicted felons will not be allowed to own pools. New pool owners will be required to wait a 10 day "heating up" period to ensure there is necessity for the pool.

From the fear surrounding pools will rise a Assault Pool Ban, which will ban pools from bearing particularly insidious accessories. Pools deeper than 36" will be designated "assault pools." Pools bearing slides or diving boards will be designated "assault pools." Pools with non-government approved toys will be considered "assault pools." Pool owners will be allowed to own unapproved toys, but must keep them deflated, at least 20 feet from said pool, and are required to keep them in a locked container. Failure to do so will result in arrest for bearing the capacity to create an "assault pool," and/or conspiracy to make or sell said "assault pool."

On tips, no-knock raids will be served against offending pool owners to search their house for improperly stored unapproved toys, and upon confirming the unlawful ownership of an assault pool; the pool will be confiscated in 50 gallon drums to be destroyed by fire, and the pool will be ordered to be filled with dirt or sand. The government will also be allowed to inspect the filled pool for water or moisture. Any dirt filling the pool may not be watered, even if grass is placed over it. Watering the area where a pool once was is a felony for unlawful construction of a pool.

A black market will be formed, selling after-market shower drains, which have the capacity to accept plugs to form baths.

Pro-pool activists will picket, and argue that they are allowed "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of pools." MAPV (Mothers Against Pool Violence) will argue that pool ownership should be left to the professionals, and that there is no legitimate reason for the average citizen to own a pool.

The BATFP will intimidate pool sellers into closing up shop, and unlawfully confiscate their pools for months to research their "capacity to become" assault pools.

Ah, what a world it would be...

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

remember... it's for the kids...

i am organizing a milliom mom march against such evils as these assault pools.

will you join me?

ExistingThing said...

Yes, because; if we save JUST ONE LIFE it will be worth it...

If we sacrafice our freedoms to save JUST ONE LIFE, it will be worth it...

If we sacrafice other lives for JUST ONE LIFE, it will be worth it.

Alright, now we just need some catchy, sing-song chants...

ExistingThing said...

I see a lot of folks from teamnabr.com found their way over here. More visitors is great, but my curiosity is unsatisfied, as I can't see the post that linked here...